Where are you Christmas?

I never thought I would wonder "where are you Christmas?". I am the girl who has a sign hanging up in my family room that reads "Is it Christmas yet?". So this is strange for me to not feel that familiar feeling I get this time of year. I usually by now have a 12 foot tree up and have been

listening to the holiday tunes for two or three months. I am seriously debating on whether to put up the decorations at all. I will be traveling

often over the next two months and the thought of taking them down is always a sobering thought. I talked to my mom on the phone tonight. She was reading me out of her journal about when I was little. How I loved the lights, how I loved seeing Santa, how I was not excited about the idea of a new brother coming soon. It was my third Christmas. It was surreal hearing her talk because the memory echos in me yet I can't recall all the details. I think it is so cool that she and my grandfather kept journals. It is wonderful to look up a date or event from my past and read my grandpa thoughts on it. My mom reminded me how often my grandpa would be with me while I was sick in the hospital while I was young. I never remember my mom complaining about caring for me and it must have been a struggle to have a sick child. I think she really loved being a mom. It makes me feel better about my self to realize how much she loved me. I have been looking at old photos from my childhood and I can see the love in the peoples eyes that are holding me. My sisters, parents and grandparents. I am going to think of some ways to find that feeling I have had my whole life- that huge love for Christmas.