Are you there?

Today is the day my dad died. It was not the best day. This day Scott is not with me either and I have had little to no sleep. I asked Scott the last time I cried about my dad when I would quit missing him. Scott replied "When you're dead". But I have not started to cry today. I have been thinking about him all day. My cute dad did not understand voicemail. He would leave me these messages, that were so funny because he thought I could hear them. He would repeat "Are you there? Pick up the phone- it's you cute daddy!" Sometimes he would make us songs daring me to pick up the phone. I loved the time frame of the calls. I was living with Scott not far from their house. He would call and ask me if I wanted to go to Harmon's to get an ice cream with him. Or if it was summer he would want to go get a shaved ice. He loved the Tiger bloods flavor. I have the voicemail calls recorded- I need to find them. My dad was larger than life. He reminds me of a cartoon character. When I think of all the crazy funny things he did that is the only way I could think of to describe him to someone who never knew him. Once he told me friend Melissa he could baptizer her right then in the bath tub. Melissa was also the friend he shout out to right in the middle of a performance and told the whole audience how she like the soup he made. We have a very dear person in our lives going through a divorce. It has been very painful as he did not want the marriage to end. It has made me feel very deeply for the pain my dad had in his life. The older I get and the more I see in struggles seems to make my parents and grandparents stories come alive and I appreciate so much the sacrifices made for me. I miss him, I miss his wet kisses and scratchy mustache, I miss his telling me my faults, I miss how much he loved babies, I miss how he embarrassed me in public, I miss the way he would turn the T.V. up to drown us out, I miss how much he loved Scott and the trouble they got in together, I miss how he took great care of us, I miss his voice, I miss that he didn't see Anthony on his wedding day or graduation day, I miss that he wasn't there when Scott was made Bishop, I miss that he has missed every holiday since his death, I miss that he doesn't know my new friends, I miss how he was sooooo him. So today I wonder "Are you there dad?" I know his spirit lives on but I'm not sure about what it is he does all the time and if or how often he can listen in. I'd tell him I miss his smile and that I want him to hold me forever and thanks for every little thing he did for me. I'd tell him my mom is lonely. I'd ask him all kinds of questions about his past the the future and what he thinks about -- well everything. If he would call today I wouldn't let it go to voicemail- I'd be there. OK- now I'm crying.

Successful Marriages

I love to collect happy marriage stories and examples. If you look for them they are easy to find. One of them is Trudy and Al. They were sweethearts from the get go. Trudy is a feisty loving New York lady. She teaches me things like "When you gotta go-- go. Nevah hold it." and "it doesn't matter what you think it matters how they feel." Trudy married Uncle Al Charrier. Trudy was a foster child. Trudy loved life and Al. I found out that Trudy is dying. I hate cancer. I know that we will see each other again but I miss them in this life, now. I ache for Al. He sounds really lost and lonely. She didn't know him today at hospice. It all seemed to happen really fast. They don't even know what kind of cancer it is. I loved listening to her. I loved teasing her and listening to stories about my dad, Aunt Sue, my Grandparents and how much she loved Al. I'm glad to have had her in my heart and life growing up. I'm glad that she and Al had a successful marriage. The down side is it makes separation almost unbearable. I hope Al will be OK, he is amazing. He is the most fit man of his age I know. He loves to walk and we love to talk to Uncle Al. I think he is the most handsome of the Charriers, my dad always thought so too. The are only one month apart and lived together for many years. My dad adored Al. It is fun to be a Scharrier because there is so much love. I cried listening to Aunt Sue console Al by phone "it will be OK darling." They are all so sweet on each other-- it is wonderful to belong. Al would love for Anthony to change the Scharrier back to the real spelling of Charrier. My dad wanted to do it but he was FRUGAL, and never spent the money. Anthony wonders if he should change his name before he has kids. I hope he has kids so the Scharrier name lives on. I'm sick about Trudy... she will really be missed in out family and our hearts.

Busy

What a week. I am starting to really look forward to a vacation from normal everyday busy life. With cute Aunt Sue sick, my new Stake YW calling, Scott still adjusting to Bishop, My Uncle in the hospital, divorce's all around, both Anth's cars broken down, many wards to visit, work, a big virtue event, 2 big dinners to plan and a partridge in a pear tree-- I'm feeling a little spent. So what a treat to be filled with the light and love from the General YW Open house held at Temple Square. I look forward to going every six months. It was one of the reasons I was sad to be released and now am happy to be in YW again. You will be able to read the transcripts off of lds.org in a few weeks which I will love because instead of rushing to jot down all the notes I really relaxed and let the spirit wash over me with ideas and enjoyed the moment. It gave me a totally different perspective on the girls I serve and the power of scriptures and prayer. I got to go with two of the best ladies in the whole world and we had a great day.

Then today Scott went with me to see my Uncle in the hospital. It was tough. He looks really bad. I'm glad my mom isn't up here because I think it would break her heart. Hospitals remind me of my dad being sick. He fought so long and hard, with his heart problems. He was a determined man, he and Scott would always say to me Never, Never, Never give up.

I can't tell if my uncle is fighting or angry. He has suffered from alcoholism for my entire life. I wish I could say I knew him better but I don't think he wanted to know us. He always said he didn't fit in, which is sad. My mom never says anything negative about him or his choices. She is a great example in the not judging arena. I don't judge him-- who am I to judge, anyways? But for some reason he lead a life mostly apart from us. We would see him on most major holidays and at funerals and weddings (before he got really sick). It made me sad to think of him alone. He has friends, but I don't know how close they are. I hope since we have no kids that we won't die alone in a hospital bed.

Bowling for birthdays

I am really bad at bowling. Both my parents were trophy holding bowlers (at the local ally- not world renowned or anything). For family night and to celebrate Anthony turning 30 and Kelsie turning 7. My little skinny... 30 years old. He is the best brother in the whole world. He is one of my heroes. Plus sweet Kelsie, my little buddy. Marlene has a wonderful family who has adopted us. I love being part of a family. We ate at pizza factory and then bowled at Fat Cats. It was more than funny. Kaden shouted "the beat needs me" as he stared to break dance in perfect tempo with the music. This was when the light went low and the florescent and disco balls went wild. Anthony and Scott and Paul kept getting strikes. I had the best luck rolling the ball between my legs. I finally gave up trying and had Lily help me. That improved my score. I even used the bumpers. Anth was so excited to be with Salina. They had never bowled together before. Scott would get this huge grin and strut back to our table. Marlene and Anthony looked the most professional. They held the ball up and did the little run thing. Salina was trowing the balls it made the earth shake. Karson had huge force and the balls made the big smacking sound as the hit the pins. The first song they played was I like big butts which was appropriate for bowling because everyone sees every ones bums. It is kind of a weird sport. I remember my dad being very sad at my total lack of any hope for any skill at bowling. Anth however is really good. What happened to my genes? My mom used to be on a league with my dad. They had matching outfits, their own balls, and high scores. I also do not like all the germs. Think of the stinky yucky feet and all the hands in the holes. Do those balls ever get cleaned? I doubt it. For dinner they made Anth and Kelsie pizza in the number of years they were turning. 30 and 7. Anth ate is 3 first leaving a big 0. That was funny. I can't believe he is 30 and Kelsie 7- where does the time go?

Nail clippings... from heaven and time for change

My dad used to clip his nail in public. I know it can be gross... to some disgusting. He would be in church, the chapel clipping away. He would do it in the store while talking to a neighbor. It was weird. It was very much my dad. So yesterday in church, my brother and husband were hiding out. They were both about to be put in the Bishopric and were avoiding questions from well meaning friends/ detectives. As they sat there as a super nice man from our ward whipped out his nail clippers and clipped away. First of all Scott and Anthony are rarely together in the same place at church , second they are never in the family history class, third I know my dad loves us from beyond the grave and wanted his favorite boys to know he loved them very much and was proud. We all could feel him yesterday. It gave me much needed strength.

Also there with body and spirit was our missionary "Elder" Soucy. He baptized Scott over 9 years ago. I happened to look back and see him in the hall. What a comfort. Scott is a convert to the church. It took great courage for him to be baptized and he lost most of his friends. He felt so strongly about the gospel and had so much faith he had to be baptized. That is a whole different story, like that he was baptized at midnight. We had so much support on Sunday. Marlene made 2 sheet cakes and a salad, everyone helped at the family dinner after (which Anthony and Scott could not attend as they were off serving). It was so nice to have all the kids there crawling on my and comforting me.

It is not often that you know without a doubt change is coming. Well I'm not sure anything but God could have prepared me for the change headed our way at the beginning of 2007.

My big fear was all my friends were not going to love me anymore. This was due to my keeping my promise to the Stake President to not tell anyone in my ward. The Stake explained that had Scott not been able to be Bishop then the next person they asked would have known they were number 2, the second choice. No one wants to feel like they were number 2 on a list. It also gave my friends and people at church the opportunity to know that we would keep confidences. The challenge was I had been speculating for over a year and being a detective with all of my friends. I love my husband and can see the Lord working through him and it has only been 48 hours since being ordained. He has a great love for all people and a huge desire to serve and make a difference. I sure do love the Bishop. His first night he had a baptism, second night a convalescent center visit, counseling the third night, and appointments the fourth. For the first time in our marriage he did not call me. Generally he calls me all the time, every 5 or 10 minutes to say Hi or Love you. I think that is one of the biggest changes... I am used to being with him or talking to him all the time. Also he used to share everything with me. Now he does not, for which I am grateful. I can see the burdens and worry he is caring and I don't think I could shoulder them like he does. So instead I make him meals, pray often and urgently, smile and hug him and try to do all I can to lighten his load which came on fast and heavy. I see how he is a blessing already to others and for that I am proud and humbled.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad

Today I was thinking about how my parents would have been celebrating together. Once about 10 years ago my mom was sad that her and my dad would never celebrate 30 years together. We had found out my dad was terminal. I felt so sad for them. We were on vacation together. So I played a little happy trick on them. I called the airlines and asked if they would announce the Happy 30th. My parents we speechless. For one thing it wasn't even close the real day they were married and it was years away from 30. Everyone on the plane sang to them and congratulated them. They had a nice romantic day and pretended it was the 30th. They did have a 30th it was just separated by the veil of life. I wonder if my dad can look in on my mom. I think it would make him sad. She is not feeling well and having many challenges. He on the other hand is happy, at peace no pain. I guess he has a handle on the whole eternal perspective better than we do in our present state. I admire my mom as a widow. She is making on her own. It has been very difficult for her but she hasn't quit. She is wonderful and has so many qualities I don't. Maybe the older I get I will learn from her strength, I love them. Happy Anniversary U2!

My heart belongs to Daddy

Today is the anniversary of my cute dads return to God. We were really close when I was little and then again the last 10 years of his life. My Dad Ted was like a cartoon character, he had so much life in him. Since his death it has felt really lonely and our family seems so small. I was in a bad depression for several years after he died. I didn’t think I would or could go on. I took care of him the last years and weeks of his life and it was a very spiritual time to serve him while he left his earthly body. I remember one of the days he told me how much he loved me, who beautiful I was, that he was proud of who I was. I thought he must be on drugs and reminded him that I was fat, something he always pointed out to me. He got tears in his eyes and said “You’re not fat Missy—pleasantly plump”. I think he really loved me so much and he showed it by proving temporal things for me. It was harder for him to express himself. Well I take that back because toward the end of his life he was the king of over sharing. Another day I remember being at his house and he shuffled out he hugged me and said. “Haven’t we had a great life? Sure we had up and downs but we have been blessed.” He taught me to work hard, to be honest, to not burn my bridges, to be the bigger better person, that nothing is more important than your family. He started to really miss his Mom so I’m happy they are together again. A couple of times he surprised me with a pink pillow for my bed, a Mickey Mouse he won in Mesquite, an eyore toy from McDonalds. I think he would have done anything for me, I ache inside. I miss his smile and laugh and the way he would yo-yo or play the harmonica, when you gold plated the exhaust pipe, midnight fishing with Scott, deals and telling us how much you saved. Your jokes, your rebellious side. I hope you come to get me if I die, you promised to visit me in my dreams-you have kept that promise. My hearts belongs to daddy.