Scharrier Roller Coaster

Sometimes when I feel a little stretched thin I remember my roots. I never knew my Grandma Scharrier as she died the year before I was born. I have heard wonderful stories about her all of my life and I adore her two children. My Grandpa Scharrier I saw on an old video a few days back holding and talking to my little brother on Thanksgiving the year he was one. It would have been shortly before his stroke when He had a voice. I miss him. Then i think about my dad. He was larger than life and full of adventure. All of this helps me make it through the roller coaster of Aunt Sue.
I noticed yesterday she was trying to play with the gas range. She could not tell that she had turned on the gas. I could not smell the gas. I am trying to help her see that not playing with the gas is a good ideas since we do not want to blow up our brand new home or ourselves. Then after the past week of pretending that she was asleep when I asked if she wanted to come see the play she said "Honey- I am coming out to every performance! I have a black dress from last season and it is 90 degrees perfect for the theater." This was at 6am after she did not sleep at all last night. Which is a change from her sleeping almost 24-7 for the last few weeks. There are times I love the mania of her because she seems so happy and it reminds me of the way she use to be. I have mourned the loss of her stages as her illness has progressed. Then she is manic and I feel like I have some part of her old self back but it terrifies me as I know the fall is coming. Part if being a Scharrier is taking care of each others ups and downs. With Sue there are more dramatic highs and lows but I can say that I would not be the person I am without her having been a huge part of my life. I hope I am not letting my dad or grandparents down by not helping Aunt Sue more. I always wonder if I am doing the right thing or too much or not enough. Some days I just want to walk in to her room and curl up on her bed and pour my heart out like I use to... and have her tell me everything will work out and have her remind me how wonderful I am and that I can do anything. I have always felt unconditional love and acceptance from her as it is her gift. She is without judgment. I wonder if she learned it from her parents or God sent her to earth with it. Whatever the root I am a humble recipient of that love over my life which makes some of the ups and downs easier.