Are you there?

Today is the day my dad died. It was not the best day. This day Scott is not with me either and I have had little to no sleep. I asked Scott the last time I cried about my dad when I would quit missing him. Scott replied "When you're dead". But I have not started to cry today. I have been thinking about him all day. My cute dad did not understand voicemail. He would leave me these messages, that were so funny because he thought I could hear them. He would repeat "Are you there? Pick up the phone- it's you cute daddy!" Sometimes he would make us songs daring me to pick up the phone. I loved the time frame of the calls. I was living with Scott not far from their house. He would call and ask me if I wanted to go to Harmon's to get an ice cream with him. Or if it was summer he would want to go get a shaved ice. He loved the Tiger bloods flavor. I have the voicemail calls recorded- I need to find them. My dad was larger than life. He reminds me of a cartoon character. When I think of all the crazy funny things he did that is the only way I could think of to describe him to someone who never knew him. Once he told me friend Melissa he could baptizer her right then in the bath tub. Melissa was also the friend he shout out to right in the middle of a performance and told the whole audience how she like the soup he made. We have a very dear person in our lives going through a divorce. It has been very painful as he did not want the marriage to end. It has made me feel very deeply for the pain my dad had in his life. The older I get and the more I see in struggles seems to make my parents and grandparents stories come alive and I appreciate so much the sacrifices made for me. I miss him, I miss his wet kisses and scratchy mustache, I miss his telling me my faults, I miss how much he loved babies, I miss how he embarrassed me in public, I miss the way he would turn the T.V. up to drown us out, I miss how much he loved Scott and the trouble they got in together, I miss how he took great care of us, I miss his voice, I miss that he didn't see Anthony on his wedding day or graduation day, I miss that he wasn't there when Scott was made Bishop, I miss that he has missed every holiday since his death, I miss that he doesn't know my new friends, I miss how he was sooooo him. So today I wonder "Are you there dad?" I know his spirit lives on but I'm not sure about what it is he does all the time and if or how often he can listen in. I'd tell him I miss his smile and that I want him to hold me forever and thanks for every little thing he did for me. I'd tell him my mom is lonely. I'd ask him all kinds of questions about his past the the future and what he thinks about -- well everything. If he would call today I wouldn't let it go to voicemail- I'd be there. OK- now I'm crying.